What’s this? Perhaps a recurring column on the Such Small Portions blog? My four readers best get excited for all the news you already don’t care about with that good ol’ Poritsky twist written in clean varietyspeak like you’ve never seen. I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried. Here goes…
Cog Breaks Free of Comedy Cabal
Fresh off being branded a mere puppet in the Apatow-Rogen agenda, helmer Greg Mottola landed a big pic deal on a script of his own, “Adventureland”. Miramax is footing the bill while NYC clique This is That will produce it (holler for the East Coast). 11 years ago Mottola pumped out the award-winning “The Daytrippers”, which gained him an award for each day of the biz week in a few countries, but alas he has kept to the TV circuit since. Bobing his head back into the feature realm, he has been met with boffo BO but not a lick of decent criticism. He has been written off as just a cog in the Apatow machine, which mostly has to do with the fact that that’s exactly what he was. Like a great editor, the less you noticed his direction in the Rogen-centric piece, the better. So good for you Greg, let’s see more of your distinctive and original voice.
Michael Bay Races Douch, Photo Finish
As the format war was just propelled even further into the future when Paramount and subsidiary Dreamworks opted out of Blu-Ray completely in favor of HD-DVD, apparently no one was more pissed off than that great force in out art, Michael Bay. In a blog posting that has since been removed, the wunderkind of “The Rock” fame lambasted his employers for choosing one format over the other. His solution, as you may have guessed it, would be to have his films, particularly this summer’s BO godsend “Transformers”, released on any format that comes along so it’s more accessible to auds. So apparently Michael Bay has some love for Blu-Ray, which is hard ’cause he’s so busy loving money and himself 24/7. Bay even threatened, mind you, not to return to direct “Transformers 2″ unless Par jumped back on the Blu Band Wagon. Shortly after he reversed the statement and said he now understands the business behind the decision and will gladly direct sequel if asked. I was hoping Alfonso Cuaron would take the reigns, but I guess we’ll have to site through another Bay-joke infused adventure with Optimus Prime and buddies. Odd point in the deal though, Spielberg, the big S in SKG, gets the luxury of having his films only released on Blu Ray, starting with the mother of all video releases, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”. So as the Red Laser Blue Laser debate rolls on, one thing remains clear for the future, Michael Bay is a douche.
Extreme Times Call For Extreme Toy Pitches
After the ridiculous success of Hasbro’s toy-to-screen model this summer, “The Mummy” writer/director Stephen Sommers got his shit together and walked into Brad Grey’s office at Par with a six inch labor of love on his mind. That’s right you Gen X ers who haven’t had your fill, he pitched “G.I. Joe” and was hired on the spot to helm sans script. They’re still shopping for a writer to all of you aspiring ones who read my blog. I remember when I first saw “The Mummy” and being blown away by how much of a romp it was. It had all the action, racism, and sexism that made the Spielberg films of my youth so great. Of course, the franchise spiraled out of control, culminating in a third sequel involing Dwayne The Rock Johnson sporting pigtails. He also found an amazing flop in “Van Helsing”, another of his classical cinema screen adaptations. But fear not, he has plenty of time to get this one together. Shooting begins in February, 2008! Par suits are trying to get this ready for summer 2009. Perhaps so as not to compete with Transformers 2 in 2010? Who knows what they’re thinking, but here here Stephen, I’m excited to see a film you’re so jazzed about.
December’s Children (And Everybody’s)